Another Piece of my Heart

I need to stop breaking my own heart...literally...I spent 2.5 wonderful hours on the phone tonight with HIM and of course at the 3 hour mark I make a goob of myself...I really think the Gods need to intercede here a little bit!!! Don't I deserve to be happy? Gosh Im still so nuts about him....WHY WHYYY....I mean he realyl doesnt have that many redeamign qualities other than being my best friend and me being crazy about him...I always tend to forget the times hes hurt me...which makes me think Im turning into my mom...whom I love, but she has forgiven my dad for pretty much everything, and although shes a saint...I dont think I can be the martyr that she is...I guess I just need to throw him down and tell him what I want....but I really wish he would do that....I need to meet a guy who I have absolutely no past with, or at least one whom I can have a future that can be put in the middle of times square or the goodyear blimp, not a secret from the world...I guess I think Im good enough to be someones real true person and not their secret support and have everyone think their great for being great, gosh all I have done I did outta love, but now I did it just being plain stupid ignorant puppy dog crush, that was returned in times that suited him and of course always suited me...sometimes I wish the guy who was a decent guy who I really really liked and treated me like I was something didnt have a gf all of hs and liked me like that....I just need a Zoloft...